you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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