the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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