is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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