her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
