i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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