I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
