i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think your dad took our porno
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
