I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
