everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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