god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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