I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
