I wish I could teleport
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
