I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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