he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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