i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
