my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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