Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
