He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
