I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
