I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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