She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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