still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
