she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
