my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i came on her dog
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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