I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
