Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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