I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
