is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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