her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Life is so much better after having sex.
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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