I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
