I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
