she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
