I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
