we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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