Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
