Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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