I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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