she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
