Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
