my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am spending my child support on dildos
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
