I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
