So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
