Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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