I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
