Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
