He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
