I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
