This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
