Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
