I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
