his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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