I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
