I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
