why didn't you poke me back
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
