My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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