...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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