how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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